answered

Today was one of those days where you wake up and get a feeling like something’s changed. Nothing new on the outside, I mean, I even woke up with a tension headache. I knew I needed to spend sometime in the Word – even the headache couldn’t shake the feeling I knew was the Spirit prompting me to press through and come close. I picked up my device to read more of Romans in the dark. I couldn’t hear a sound in the house, save for the ticking of my cheap wall clock pounding on my head. I wonder if I will even be able to stare at the screen, but I cannot shake the need to read more of chapter 12. I’d left off yesterday feeling like I needed more, so today I’d read the trite little devotional first (which I wouldn’t normally say is a good plan) so I could end with the scripture as the last words in my heart’s ears before greeting the barrage of dream recounts coming from the little me’s.

It was there. After the surface scratching devotional thought, in the middle of Romans 12. Not at all what I’d longed for, but exactly the answer I’d toiled and prayed and begged for. It was not the answer I wanted at all. It wasn’t the detailed flowing plan that I could call and excitedly tell Tim about. It was mundane and simple and frankly, a bit confronting. I set my device down and breathed a prayer of thanks to God for the answer and asking the Spirit to give me the strength and desire to act on the answer I didn’t quite want.

It’s been staring me in the face the whole time; why is my flesh so reluctant to be satisfied with His best for me? Why must the struggle be so near and constant – the war against my soul and spirit waged by powers unseen and so real? Oh for the release of Heaven, the sight of the face and glory of God in actual display that my weak heart would not run after other things!

In reality, yesterday’s reading in Romans 12 was the preparation for today. I’d read about how Paul was exhorting the believers to recognize that they were a sacrifice to God, holy and set apart for His works – each one with a different function, all working together with different gifts according to the grace given to each. Then he says something real – something requiring response and action: “let us use [these gifts].” Yesterday I prayed God would tell me what my gift was, even what gifts Tim and I had as a couple that we needed to put into action and use in this season in our lives. I begged for purpose and a plan again. To be honest, I cried out to God, reminding Him that He hadn’t answered the past 5 months I’d prayed the same prayer and how He’d seemed silent on the matter. I was weary of praying the same prayer and still feeling like there was no answer. Even the very specific prayers I’d been praying for some this or that decisions were constantly met by silence. So yesterday, I drug myself out of bed, drank half my coffee and proceeded to get lost in sorting Lego with my kids. For 6 hours. Talk about being numb to everything. So that was the end of that.

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honour. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honourable in the sight of all. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:9-18 ESV

That’s a succinct list of what I should be doing – not as a rule book or as a way to earn God’s favour, but very much EXACTLY what I’d prayed for – I would even go as far to say it’s the list many of us pray for when we ask God what we should be doing with out lives. In another place He says, referencing rules and liberties, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God,” 1 Corinthians 10:31. So as my life courses and ebbs and flows, in all things I have this purpose.

So I wonder now, how I can relate all this to reality and what life contains for me at the moment? I mean, I’m in a country not my own, by choice, living a life that was never the plan, living many days questioning why here and now. This reality is even more confronting as our family is pledging to this nation our allegiance and commitment in just 4 weeks time. I wonder, why are we even here? What are we doing here that we can’t do back in our land of birth? Can’t we co-labour with God just as well there as here?  Questions upon heaped questions, piles of rubble from a weak heart battling with flesh and the enemy – battles I should never take on solo – and I know I don’t need to. I mean, isn’t this the very thing God designed the entire Jesus rescue plan for in the first place? Isn’t this why we need Jesus? Isn’t this why we need the Helper, the Spirit? To break free from the chains of doubt and questioning and the enemy, to have purpose and life and to be reveling in His glory and plan as we follow Him co-labouring with Him as He draws others to Himself and makes for Himself a people?

I read and re-read the text for today and yesterday. It is my answer. With the Helper I need to love with genuineness. I need to passionately be disgusted with evil and conversely; hold fast, cling tight, grasp firmly and not let go of what is good, righteous and pure. This means I need to get those bits that don’t belong out of my own daily life and with all my strength and the endless supply that the Helper provides, hold tightly to what I know is right even in the face of the world telling me differently. I need to keep living the life I’ve been given, loving those around me – and giving hugs – I’ll try to give hugs – to show brotherly affection – I know for me it means hugs – I really need the Helper for that one. And show honour – I’ll think on that one more.

Here’s a good reminder for me – don’t be lazy in my zeal – my passion, my excitement, rather I need to be fervent, consistent in the tasks and godly passions I’ve been given. Rejoice in hope – I like this one, it’s the only thing that keeps me going some days – the hope of a future by my God, my Saviour my Helper in His embrace safe, found, settled. But that comes with the next two, which I must say are sometimes the only way I know to cope – not tooting my own horn here, because when I do it, it’s ugly and messy. My patience in hardships doesn’t look much like patience, but more like tears and wailing. And my constant prayers seem to be accusations to a God who has turned away from me – then reluctant repentance and confession I clearly don’t have it under control. Tim gets the contributing to the needs of the saints and showing hospitality one down to a tea – literally. I pray his example of sacrifice continues to spur me on.

The next bit is really where I knew I this was all for me and all the answer to my supplications. God isn’t giving me what I want in a neat package, and he certainly doesn’t think the best for me is sorting out the “this or that” questions for which I desperately seek answers. He wants me to weep and mourn and rejoice and celebrate and not let the confronting things of the world keep me from being a light and example of goodness and righteousness.

Is this the “more” I’d been searching for? Not exactly. Okay, not at all. I wanted a grandiose plan that sounded spectacular and had specific steps to measure progress. It’s clear I’m not getting that plan now – and today, I’m okay with that. I know God does amazing things in the mundane – the mundane is what sets the stage for incredible – and I want to be here, faithfully working and watching, trusting God that His plan moves I though my story in Him.